Being Ok When Others Don’t Respond — Needy AF #2 (1 of 2)
Take Home Point — Needy People MUST understand that we are not the center of the other person’s life and even if we are (spouse, etc), a text is just a few electrons organized in a specific way and a call is just sound waves traveling through space. Neither should be construed as klaxon calls for others to bend to your will or needs. It’s just a text; it’s just a call, but if you make it a big deal, your texts and calls can become toxic and now they have a real reason to avoid you.
Actions to Take —
- If you get no response, then let it be. It doesn’t matter what you think “Should” happen.
- It doesn’t have to mean they don’t like you, so let it go.
- Maybe give this person a few days to a week before you re-engage. Let’s recognize you aren’t likely to be the center of their universe.
- It doesn’t have to mean they don’t like you, so let it go.
How do you lose a friend in a 48 hour period? Here’s a method…
Thursday 2:45 PM — What a week! Things were so stressful, it would be really great to decompress with my best friend. Let’s see if they want to do something on Saturday. They mentioned a few weeks ago they’d be interested in coming by and hanging out.
6:23 PM — No response yet, well traffic was bad on the interstate so probably just stressed about being late. I think I remember them saying one of their kids has a fever, so probably just busy with that.
8:45 PM — Still nothing. Our last text was Tuesday evening so it’s not like I’m over-communicating. Still, probably nothing to worry about — they just are a bit forgetful sometimes. It’s just a quick response, though, shouldn’t be that difficult to manage! Let’s send a cheeky text about them forgetting we are friends.
10:17 PM — Hmm, still nothing. Perplexing…
Friday 11:33 AM— Lunchtime and still no response. I see them responding to emails at work and they liked so and so’s IG post. So now my alert system kicks in. Now I’m worried. It’s been ALMOST 12 hours and I NEED to know if tomorrow is happening. Let’s text them a reminder text, like — Hey! Sent a text yesterday. Let me know! — That’s not negative, right?
1:02 PM — Still no response. WTH? I thought we were friends.
1:15 PM — What have I done? Did I say something in the text I didn’t mean to? Looking at it, it wouldn’t seem so. Let me ask.
1:20 PM — I saw they posted something on Facebook over lunch but can’t respond to my text? Something must be wrong. I’ve screwed up somehow. If they were the friend I thought they were, they would have at LEAST had the common courtesy to let me know that we aren’t friends anymore.
1:21 PM — Fine, screw ’em. They are a terrible friend anyway! No, they aren’t! Ah, come on, they’ve known me long enough to understand I hate games!
1:22 PM — Why can’t I just have friends that care about me as much as I care about them?
1:22 PM to 5:38 PM — Monitoring the phone every few minutes, pretending to be busy, but inside completely a wreck and chewing over the entire situation and all the things you could’ve said/done that is making them treat you badly.
8:23 PM — ooh, my phone buzzed, is that them? I hope so, gonna let them know that is NOT how friends behave!
Sound familiar? Perhaps the extremeness is not common, but everyone has had the experience of someone not responding back in a manner in which we desire it and for most, it’s just a nuisance. For Needy People, it’s a full-blown, life upsetting disaster of major proportions. Extreme, yes, but to us, it’s real. It’s my belief that there are two MAJOR errant thought processes going on here that work in sequence:
- “Shoulds” — is what it sounds like. I did this, then they *should* do that. I texted at 1 PM; they *should* respond within 5 minutes and never more than 30 minutes. To do otherwise is to devalue the relationship and I must work to save it.
- “Catastrophizing” — evaluating a situation as much worse than it probably is based on weak or non-existent signals. For example, you texted your GF and after 4 hours there hasn’t been a response, therefore, she must be unhappy with you and is cheating on you, or dead.
What is “Shoulds”, Really, to a Needy Person?
I may make a lot of Needy People upset with my next statement, and it took me a long time to realize it myself, but “Shoulds” are our way of controlling the relationship. Full Stop. Let’s take our text sequence above as an example:
- 6:23 PM — No response yet, well traffic was bad on the interstate so probably just stressed about being late. I think I remember them saying one of their kids has a fever, so probably just busy with that.
This is perfectly acceptable and what most people would think and do if they think about it at all. They sent a communication, haven’t heard anything, no big deal. If it was serious or required an immediate answer, a text is not the way to do it. They are sure there is a very good reason for the delay or lack of response.
- 8:45 PM — Still nothing. Our last text was Tuesday evening so it’s not like I’m over-communicating. Still, probably nothing to worry about — they just are a bit forgetful sometimes. It’s just a quick response, though, shouldn’t be that difficult to manage! Let’s send a cheeky text about them forgetting we are friends.
Ok, now this is where the Needy person begins to come off the rails (didn’t take long did it?). Look at the language — “it’s not like…over-communicating”, “…just a quick response”, “shouldn’t be … difficult”. This is controlling language. We are judge and jury — we have decided that multiple texts in a week aren’t excessive (depends on the person), that the response shouldn’t take any time (texting is easy, for us), and the outcome is already foreseen (’cause what else is there to say but yes?).
By thinking this way, the needy person expects the other person to do these things in this way at the needy person’s speed if they REALLY care. The needy person has an expectation of themselves in this relationship (attentive, quick response, etc.) and when the other person doesn’t match that, then there is a feeling of imbalance in the feelings ledger. This is unsettling for the needy person. It creates this pressure to “rebalance” in some way and, more times than not, they feel the only way to rebalance is to force the other person into a response. And forcing a response is also controlling behavior!
Up to this point though, it’s an internal conversation. Needy people really start to screw up by doing the next step…we send another text to remind them they haven’t responded.
In this follow up text, what we tell ourselves, what we are really subconsciously doing, and what the other person thinks are quite likely three different things:
- What we say we are doing: Just letting them know they forgot to respond, but I’ll be cool/funny/jokey about it.
- What we are subconsciously doing: I have to let this person know that I have seen their communication transgressions by not replying in, what I think, is a socially respectable manner. Surely, they are committed to our relationship right? Surely I’m important, right? There cannot be an imbalance. Let me toss in a jokey way of communicating so they know that I “forgive” them. They should know better! ***Read this a few times — this is what we are really doing***
- What they could be thinking: Ugh, yeah, I saw the text but just don’t feel like hanging this weekend. Hoping to just clean the house and visit my grandma in the nursing home. If I tell them no, then it’ll be a big thing and I’ll feel bad. I like them, a lot, but they won’t take no for an answer, and sometimes, for my own mental health, I just ignore it and play dumb a few days later.
The follow-up text, in this situation, is totally a power move. You are not happy that you don’t have a response and you are going to let them know about it. The imbalance feeling is telling you that the other person doesn’t care about you (Let’s handle catastrophizing in the next article) and you’ve got that pressure (hunger, anxiety) to right that imbalance. You feel you just have to communicate. It becomes an imperative and life-sustaining action. You aren’t thinking about the other side anymore and what could be going on with them, you’re driving ahead purely on the righteous indignation of not being someone’s center of attention for the past few hours. So off the text goes…
- 10:17 PM — Hmm, still nothing. Perplexing…
You’re perplexed, but not really. You were expecting this weren’t you? You just knew they made plans with someone else and are avoiding you. You knew they don’t like you anymore. You just knew it, didn't ya? But let's take a quick look at the other side…
- Ugh, yeah, I saw the text but just don’t feel like hanging this weekend. Hoping to just clean the house and visit my grandma in the nursing home. If I tell them no, then it’ll be a big thing and I’ll feel bad. I like them, a lot, but I don’t like they won’t take no for an answer, and sometimes, for my own mental health, I just ignore it and play dumb a few days later.
It’s a fact of nature that people avoid things they don’t like or make them feel bad. There are a few for whom feeling bad about something compels them to try to fix it (Needy people), but most people avoid uncomfortable situations like the plague…even for those they love and care about. They will especially avoid these situations if their emotional/physical energy is waning. So an email from you reminding them that they are a crappy friend (in the subtext!) is high on the priority ignore list.
This person even says it in their thoughts — I’m tired; they never take no for an answer; if I talk to them they’ll make me feel bad for making another choice. Is there any reason they will pretend to not see it or just ignore it? Really, do you blame them? What they are doing is protecting themselves and also protecting the relationship. They want to remain friends, you’ve got a lot of qualities they appreciate, but if they engage with you and you don’t like their response, it begins to diminish their positive feelings for you…another thing that makes them feel bad. So the easiest thing for them to do is IGNORE and RESPOND later, no matter how much pain that causes you. In effect, they don’t put your pain above their pain and logically, this makes sense.
You don’t like that do you? But non-needy people have to handle us in a way to preserves both their selves and their relationships. The easiest road with the fewest obstacles is sometimes just not traveling down that road. So you get avoided.
You can set yourself up to not be ignored in this type of situation. Read the actions to take at the top of the article. Really read them and digest them. While it feels counterintuitive to needy people, others don’t like being reminded when they aren’t the person you expect. It feels like they are being judged (and so they are!). What we can do is to respect the lack of communication for what it is…a temporary band of silence. Give it 3, 5, or 7 days (OMG — an eternity!) and make it a chummy positive conversation about something else entirely. Be mature and move on. In 10 years, it won’t matter. Hell, in 10 days it won’t!
Let’s continue this work in the next article — Being Ok When Others Don’t Respond — Needy AF #2 (1 of 2)
Note: If you feel you are being actively abused, know that abuse from others is NEVER ok and should not be tolerated. If you are feeling deeply sad or suicidal, do not finish reading this but instead immediately contact a friend, family member, or trusted counselor and let them know. If that is not possible contact the National Suicide Hotline: 1–800–273–8255. You can’t depend on others to fix you, but they can find help for you…let them.
