Tips for Needy People — The Relationship Vacation and Allowing Space — Needy AF #5

Take-Home Point — Even the best of relationships can become strained. An odd comment here, a missed text there, and suddenly the Needy Person is on high alert. Needy People maintain constant communication as a crutch to prevent pain but don’t always recognize that lots of communication drain those we love who may have a fixed amount of bandwidth. Implementing a forced Relationship Vacation for yourself could be just what everyone needs.

Actions to Take —

Prepare for the Relationship Vacation (or Sabbatical, it sounds more therapeutic) by planning and sticking to the following actions.

• Plan a discrete amount of time. Two weeks is a minimum and perhaps up to 4–6 weeks or more is beneficial. It depends on the current stage of the relationship. If everyone is just a bit annoyed and drained, give each other at least two weeks. If you’ve had a major blow-up, give it at least a month for both you and them.
• Make plans to remain occupied. Plan some camping, hikes, art museums, or movie binges. Take a road trip, dig into that garden in the back or begin writing that book. The goal is to prove to your inner self (and the other person) that you can enjoy life without the constant presence and reassurance of another person.
• Exercise — a lot. It will drain the tension and energy that you normally direct towards the relationship. And keep it up after you re-connect.
• Plan alone time. Don’t use this time to glom onto someone else, instead use it to reset your inner neediness parameters.
• Have a plan for dealing with rumination, over-thinking, and getting hung up on thoughts. They will happen so prepare for them.
• If you need to, place the other person on block on the various social media so you aren’t tempted to interact. You WILL feel this gravitational pull to connect, to push that dopamine button, it’s up to you on how best to manage it. If there is an emergency, they will find you.
• Let the other person know. It’s a good idea so they don’t worry, especially if it’s just something you are feeling but haven’t had any issues with the person. If there are some hard feelings, they are likely to appreciate the space regardless if you tell them or not.
• Don’t expect to come out of your sabbatical with everything back to normal. Depending on the blowup, things may still need to be worked out. Have an attitude that the sabbatical was a cooling-off period.
• Ease back into communicating. Don’t send a 10 text exposition on how you are so much better now. A simple, “Sup, how’s it going?” will suffice. Give the other person time to respond. They may need more time than you, respect that.

The Pause that Refreshes

I’ve just started a Friend Sabbatical. I wish I could say that it was my idea, but it’s been imposed on me ’cause, well, I’ve just been too much lately. My friend tells me that they enjoy time with me and hanging out, but I want too much and it is starting to interfere with their daily life. Although some conversations broached these issues, I didn’t take them seriously, as I should have. It took someone else to tell me that this person feels they have no choice but to distance from me for the moment. We’ve had a text or two back and forth where they have stated that some time away is needed for now.

I’m mortified. That feeling of being embarrassed cause you should’ve known better, mixed with the feeling you’ve caused issues for someone else that was being good to you, mixed with regret, angst, and fearfulness about what it could mean for the future. And while it’s painful to deal with this, I have to respect that it was also painful for the other person. Is our friendship over? That’s one outcome of course. But words were exchanged that, for now at least, have left the door open to being friends again very soon. But for that to happen, they need some space and I need to prove to them that I can keep my needs in check. They want a friend, not a leech. A buddy, not a clinger.

Hence the Friendship Sabbatical, in which you spend time away from your relationship and spend it resetting yourself to a “low boil”. The expectation of both parties of a friendship sabbatical should be that the Needy Person has used that time to more fully recognize how they are harming the other person and develop strategies to manage those needs in the future. For some that can mean recognizing that there are other friend groups they can split their time with and more permanently engage in. For others, working on CBT or other types of therapies to rein in those impulses they feel they need to satisfy. A sabbatical is not a permanent break, though that could be an outcome, as both agree that the past is water under the bridge and the “adjusted” Needy Person can be welcomed back in once they’ve got a handle on their issues.

So, how does one go about the Friendship Sabbatical? There are lots of ideas on the web, but here’s my plan for a 30-day sabbatical. My big issues that need to be addressed are Over-Communicating, Feeling Left Out, and Not Having My Own Thing.

Communication fast. They naturally aren’t as enthused about texting and calling as I am. That should’ve been a huge hint. For me, it feels like oxygen when someone responds. For them, a hit of bleach to the eyes. They aren’t going to miss the communication as much as I will. They will appreciate it. There are lots of ways to accomplish this but they can include:

• Blocking the person from contacting you. Or from you contacting them. Maybe let them know first.
• Deleting any text strings currently running. So you’re not reminded if I have to text my Dad or something.
• Deploy phone minimization practices. Part of my problem is the ease at which we can communicate these days. How can we make it somewhat harder to press send? Keep your phone on silent, set it down a lot, stay off it when you are feeling anxious, hide the text app, don’t take it to bed, spend time at places where the coverage is poor.
• Put the reconnect date on the calendar… and cross out the days so it feels like a building habit.
• Place objective reasoning on my texting practices. I know they are…excessive. I’ll need more time to fix those needs, but I can focus on if this text is really to make me feel better or to communicate an actual piece of information.

Exercise, a lot. I have a ton of anxious energy and one way I relieve that energy is to call or interact or force a meetup. That’s not going to work in the future. But I do know that during my times of duress, exercise can drain down the energy that builds up in me. The anxious hunger as I know it to be is used up when I run, hike, garden, lift weights, bike, etc.

• Strive to achieve one daily exercise of 30 minutes or more
• Do whatever exercise seems appealing, but, personally, I need to break a sweat to feel it was effective — running, yoga and disc-golf look to be in the cards for me. What would be yours?
• Stretch and meditate at least once a day for 10 minutes.
• Build a goal to strive toward … lose 5 lbs, get your 5K below 30 minutes, etc. Not only will achieving these goals solidify positive self-reliance, but it will also show the other person that you didn’t just sit around and mope but instead took the time to actively improve. That’s good news for the other person who’s going to be concerned you will fall right back into old habits.

Have a Schedule. An open day with nothing much planned is a recipe for becoming super needy. Don’t schedule every waking moment, but have a plan for the day, even if it’s just chores. Maybe put exercise on that schedule or cooking on that schedule; hobbies or that large house improvement project on that schedule. These are YOUR things to do.

• The next month I’m scheduling a few activities that I need to get done. Maintain the truck, fix my jet-ski, repair the pool cleaner, move the TV to the other room, etc.
• I have built a fairly rigorous schedule. Yours doesn’t need to be as rigorous, but I know myself and know I respond to fairly strict regimes when I’m stressed. There are no activities in there that are socially oriented. If those come up, great, I’ll adjust. But I’m forcing myself to only be invited and not invite. I may not get any invites and I’ll have to accept that. Sometimes growth comes despite neglect. If people aren’t thinking of having me along, it’s time I figure out why am impacting them in that way.

A plan for Ruminating. I’m a ruminator, cud-chewer, and over-thinker. There’s a part of me that thinks if I continue thinking it over that somehow I’ll hit on the thing that needs to be fixed or I’ll discover a way to help them see. But, sometimes, only time and space can fix things. Ruminating on it only wastes my time.

• Practice meditation and mindfulness. I struggle but I’m going to try to meditate at least 10 minutes a day to train myself to let thoughts go.
• Read books. When you immerse yourself in another world, it’s surprising how easy the rumination goes away. Call it distraction if you like, but I think of it as simply a healthy way to apply my prodigious thinking abilities!
• No phone 30 minutes before bed and not in the bedroom. There isn’t a better way to enter an anxiety spiral than looking at FB right before bed. Undoubtedly I’ll see friends going out and that will sting. That’ll start a ruminating cycle and anxiety spiral and I’ll sleep poorly. Avoidance is the only cure.
• Do what I’m doing right now and journal about it. It may be impossible to ruminate some, so at least do it on paper and be productive about it!

Hobbies or Challenges. I’m not a big hobbyist, but I do like challenges. Having an activity that you enjoy and can fall back on when the schedule looks a bit bare is key. You can’t fall back on your relationship to keep you engaged, but you can rely on hobbies or daily life things.

• Pick back up the guitar, stamp collecting, orchid growing, beer making, or crossword puzzles. Anything that you can do alone, and, when you’ve accomplished something, doesn’t require you to seek the attention of others.
• Aim for 5 straight days running, 14 days no sugar, 30 days no coffee, etc. Having larger goals to work on has a positive impact as there is less focus on the relationship. At the end of this Friendship Fast, even if the friendship goes away, you will have accomplished something instead of waiting for the death of something.

So that’s my major plan. I’m planning on having a daily check-in with myself to gauge how I’m doing. Seems like it would be a good idea to write up the results and see how I fair. Wish me luck!

Actions to Take —

Prepare for the Relationship Vacation (or Sabbatical, it sounds more therapeutic) by planning and sticking to the following actions.

• Plan a discrete amount of time. Two weeks is a minimum and perhaps up to 4–6 weeks or more is beneficial. It depends on the current stage of the relationship. If everyone is just a bit annoyed and drained, give each other at least two weeks. If you’ve had a major blow-up, give it at least a month for both you and them.
• Make plans to remain occupied. Plan some camping, hikes, art museums, or movie binges. Take a road trip, dig into that garden in the back or begin writing that book. The goal is to prove to your inner self (and the other person) that you can enjoy life without the constant presence and reassurance of another person.
• Exercise — a lot. It will drain the tension and energy that you normally direct towards the relationship. And keep it up after you re-connect.
• Plan alone time. Don’t use this time to glom onto someone else, instead use it to reset your inner neediness parameters.
• Have a plan for dealing with rumination, over-thinking, and getting hung up on thoughts. They will happen so prepare for them.
• If you need to, place the other person on block on the various social media so you aren’t tempted to interact. You WILL feel this gravitational pull to connect, to push that dopamine button, it’s up to you on how best to manage it. If there is an emergency, they will find you.
• Let the other person know. It’s a good idea so they don’t worry, especially if it’s just something you are feeling but haven’t had any issues with the person. If there are some hard feelings, they are likely to appreciate the space regardless if you tell them or not.
• Don’t expect to come out of your sabbatical with everything back to normal. Depending on the blowup, things may still need to be worked out. Have an attitude that the sabbatical was a cooling-off period.
• Ease back into communicating. Don’t send a 10 text exposition on how you are so much better now. A simple, “Sup, how’s it going?” will suffice. Give the other person time to respond. They may need more time than you, respect that.