Why Aren’t They Responding!?! They Don’t See It — Needy AF #3 (1 of 3)

Really? This isn’t attached to the hand at all times?

Take Home Point — A lot of terrible things are going on in the world at any moment, but the chances they are happening to your lover or your relationship are very, very small. Your emotional brain is extremely poor at determining probabilities so Needy People need to build THE key habit of putting things in context and accepting the likelihood that delays and unanswered texts are due to inattentive friends, sleeping lovers, and overwhelmed buddies and not car accidents, suddenly failed friendships or selfishness.

Actions to Take —

• If you get no response, then let it be. If there truly is an emergency and they need you, they will let you know.
• It doesn’t have to mean they don’t like you, so let it go.
• Tell yourself you are in 1822 and that a text is like a letter. It’s normal to take some time to get a response. The expectation of a quick response is setting yourself up for pain.
• Give this person a few days to a week before you re-engage. Recognize you aren’t likely to be the center of their universe and they probably aren’t even thinking about you.
• Remind yourself of all the possibilities for the non-response and that the vast majority have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
• Guilting them about responding is a loser’s game. This falls under the “Fallacy of Change” thought process. Expecting them to change to suit you. It’s not going to happen.

When you send out a communication such as a text, email, or phone call there are only two outcomes that could occur:

1. The other party responds to your communication
2. The other party doesn’t respond to your communication

Of these two possibilities, the Needy Person really likes #1, no matter the outcome. A response is validation. It’s a “Yes, I see you” and in our mind “I care about you”. A response feels like equitable treatment and hence the hunger or drive to ensure the relationship is sound is minimal. All is right with the world. Where Needy People struggle is in how they handle the untimely response or the lack of a response at all. Our emotional machinery begins to go haywire and we start looking for ways to understand the poor response because we cannot think of any reasonable explanation why responses are not forthcoming. Like an expectant computer with its blinking cursor waiting for input, input MUST be had and a reason MUST be generated. We begin to cast about, catastrophize and invent numerous (and decidedly negative) reasons why the lack of response.

Why They Don’t Respond

We can determine there are three major categories of “lack of response”.

• They have not seen the communication
• They have seen the communication but haven’t yet responded
• They have seen the communication and do not plan to respond

It doesn’t get more basic than this! Let’s evaluate our actions as Needy People with regards to the three response outcomes and see how we can reign in our natural desire to drive communication.

They have not seen the communication

I have a friend whom I very much enjoy spending time with — we have similar life outlooks, enjoy similar activities and we sometimes have deep and meaningful conversations about life and living. I wish I had known him all my life but we’ve been friends for only the past few years. But as much as I love the dude, he is one of the worst texters I have ever befriended. And it’s not just me thinking that — his wife, parents, sister, and other friends all say the same thing. And to say that it doesn’t drive me up the wall is an understatement. Admittedly, it has caused a great amount of stress and anxiety for me. So why is he this way? When probed he has a simple answer — just not really into texting. Well, except when it something meaningful for him like travel plans or selling things on Craigslist.

It can be hard to fathom that someone finds such a ubiquitous and easy method of communicating as only a tool to sell old TVs and not a platform to maintain the connected feeling of a relationship. It’s odd to me, but he derives almost zero validation from communicating via phone. When we are hanging out he is thoughtful and engaged. On the phone, he’s aloof and terse. He’s an admitted introvert but I’ve other introverted friends and they love texting for the distance it provides. For him, texting is a means to an end — discuss camping plans, coordinate the weekend fishing trip, counteroffer a craigslist buy, check-in on a work priority, or ask the wife what she needs when he stops by Target. For him, the value of texting lies solely in its ability to coordinate his life.

Since he’s not using his phone to validate his self worth, he’s not always checking his phone. And unless he’s excited about an activity of some type, he just doesn’t think about his phone very much. As such, he really doesn’t see his texts in a timely fashion ’cause he’s not looking for them.

As a Needy Person I have to confront a challenging cognitive distortion continuum here: ”Should” -> “Fallacy of Change” -> “Catastrophizing”. In the case above, I would like quicker and more timely communication and he “should” do it since there is no technical reason he can’t. The logic then leads me down to the Fallacy of Change in which, since there is no “real” barrier to responding more quickly, he needs to change that behavior to suit my needs. When he doesn’t, I catastrophize and wonder if we are really friends. So what can I do?

I think these days of instant communication have made things harder for all of us when it comes to expectations. A Needy Person’s (or anyone’s really) expectations of quick responses can run counter to another’s expectation that texts and calls can’t intrude on their private time. Both sides are left unsatisfied as the Needy Person has an unmet need and may begin to ramp up their level of alertness. Conversely, the other side should be able to determine how their time is spent and not feel that lack of immediate responses make them appear to be misanthropes. We all deserve to deploy our autonomy in the way we see fit. A hundred years ago, a Needy Person was bound by technology. They would write a letter, send it via post, and …. wait. There was simply no other option. The receiver would then do the same. It could take weeks if not months to get a reply. The time it took to interact automatically tempered any sense of urgency in the Needy Person. And even were it the case, the other person would not know it, therefore, limiting any negative impact of neediness behavior.

But we do not find ourselves in that time, so how do we live as Needy People when our expectations of response have become skewed to the momentum of the times? How can we Needy People relax and not be upset when messages aren’t seen in a manner we feel is “right for the time”?

A quick Google search shows that 14+ Trillion texts are sent yearly and maybe 90–95% of them are read within 5 minutes. Given that, it can be hard to rationalize that someone hasn’t seen your text. But the Needy Person has to be open to that possibility. If it’s left on “Delivered” or they have Read receipts off, then you must accept that while 95% of texts are read within 5 minutes, 700 BILLION are not. As such there could be 700 Billion reasons why they haven’t seen your text in the last 5 minutes to 36 hours. The probability of any single one being the reason is very small, as the logical Needy Person knows. But taken as a whole, the probability that there is a non-negative reason is extremely high. Just to guide us, I’ve estimated what I think are the likely probabilities for each class of causes.

Daily Grind (80%)

• Working on their business, cutting the grass, working in the garage, fixing a toilet leak, making dinner, at a kid’s soccer game, at a loud event or concert, attending a party, on a long drive, went to bed early, went to bed late, doing their taxes, cleaning house …
• Watching a movie and fell asleep, helping kids with homework, grocery shopping, training the dog, paying the bills…

Recreating (10%)

• Working on a hobby — painting, stamp collecting, gaming, etc…
• Fishing by the shore where cell coverage is spotty, jet skiing, kayaking
• At the pool, out skiing, having a date night, out riding a bike
• Spending time at the holidays with family

Personal / Self-Improvement (5%)

• Trying to be more present at home so have alerts turned off
• Have set limits for themselves (1X day, 2X day) on their phone usage so it doesn’t control their life
• Working on their book/Medium article/thesis and can’t be disturbed

Technical (4%)

• The text never went through, they are in an area of poor coverage, their phone is off/broken, etc.

They are dead/in the hospital/very sick (<1%)

• It’s a running joke that Needy People assume someone is dead if the response isn’t quick enough. Currently, the world morbidity rate is ~7.7 people / 1000 die every year. So the chances of someone on the other end of your text having died is not zero, but it is AT MOST, 0.77% and that’s for the whole year. It’s probably not mathematically accurate to say this, but the chance your text went to a dead friend only 0.002% per day!
• If someone is sick or at the hospital, they really probably aren’t looking at their phone. A true friend, once they discover someone is ill, doesn’t pour their concern into a barrage of (exhausting) texts, but instead makes a lasagna, cleans their friend’s kitchen for them, or respects their wishes to be left alone for a bit.

To sum up, we Needy People know that there are numerous reasons why our text might not have been seen. But unfortunately, our rational evaluation of the situation says that odds are they have seen it and therefore there must be a reason and our insecurity begins to blame us. But every friend has different communication needs and for some of them, the communication they need has to be in manageable chunks done twice a day or maybe (shudder the thought) twice a week. Some simply aren’t able to multi-task and check texts and emails while at their kids' soccer games. It’s not your job to determine for them how they best manage their text or call checking. That’s controlling behavior, a “Fallacy of Change” distortion, and as Needy People, we have to not give into controlling behavior if we want to maintain healthy relationships.

Actions to Take —

• If you get no response, then let it be. If it truly was an emergency or terrible thing and they need you, they will let you know.
• It doesn’t have to mean they don’t like you, so let it go.
• Tell yourself you are in 1822 and that a text is like a letter. It’s normal to take some time to get a response. Expectation of a quick response is setting yourself up for pain.
• Give this person a few days to a week before you re-engage. Let’s recognize you aren’t likely to be the center of their universe and they probably aren’t even thinking about you.
• Remind yourself of all the possibilities that the vast majority have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

Note: If you feel you are being actively abused, know that abuse from others is NEVER ok and should not be tolerated. If you are feeling suicidal, do not finish reading this but instead immediately contact a friend, family member or trusted counselor and let them know. If that is not possible contact the National Suicide Hotline: 1–800–273–8255. You can’t depend on others to fix you, but they can find help for you…let them.